Jokes?

[silenze]

We might as well have a joke thread!

Here's one that was told to me today, I'll add more:

So one day a penguin is driving through Arizona in the 110 degree weather and his car overheats, he manages to make it to a shop and get a mechanic to take a look. Meanwhile he walks over to the local store and buys a bucket of yummy vanilla ice cream - being a penguin he has only his flippers to eat with, so the penguin was covered in a gooey mess by the time he was done with his treat. The pengiun headed back to the shop to ask the mechanic how things were going, and the mechanic told him "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." the penguin stood for a second and replied "it's vanilla!"

(This one is obviously better when told verbally.)

[jurtje]

It made me lol anyway! :D

[XPTB]

while we are telling dick jokes:


What's the difference between your mom and a mallard with a cold?

One is a sick duck, the other is a dicksucker! BAZING!


How many militant feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2 : one to screw in the light bulb and one to suck my dick!!!

[jurtje]

well those are very adult jokes xptb, I really had to put some thought into them, before I got them! :wink:

[XPTB]

hahahaha, nothing wrong with adult humor. the kids are gonna hear about it some day :D

[silenze]

hahaha, i love it, more, more! :P

(should we be putting a warning on this? o_O)

[jurtje]

there's actually 5 people online now! first time I've seen that! I know our record is 9, but I wasn't on then

[jurtje]

btw, is it just me or is the site slow today?

*must be all thos posts*

[silenze]

a little bit, not bad for me

[XPTB]

"Fat guy and a skinny guy are showering in the YMCA. The skinny guy turns to the fat guy and asks, "hey, whens the last time you've seen your dick?" Fat guy answers, "man, its been a long time." Skinny guy says, "Why don't you diet?" Fat man replies, "Why, what color is it now?"


"There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how there lives sucked. The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."


"It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[fstroupe]

there's actually 5 people online now! first time I've seen that! I know our record is 9, but I wasn't on then

There's six on right now (12:15 am Thurs Central time) B16SOLNA, and 4 guests. Oops, B16 and 2 guests left, and Silenze is here now. Oh well.

[siq]

no offense but XP... i think you're obsessed with the word dick

[XPTB]

no, im just obsessed with dick jokes heh

[Beemer]

A group of ladies decide to go golfing. The first lady gets up on the tee and hits her drive right at the group of guys in front of her. One of the guys in the group immediatly falls to ground with his hands between his legs in the fetal position. The lady was quite embarassed and runs out to the guy. She says she is very sorry and also explains that she is a physical therapist and would like to help. So the lady slides her hand down his pants and begins to massage the area. After about a minute or two she asks, "How does that feel?" The man replies, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[KryoNexus]

roflmao....xptb some of those were insane.

[XPTB]

"Bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "No, not at all." The bear then picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with him."

[XPTB]

few more:

Whats the difference between a condom and a coffin?
- They both contain stiffs but one's coming and one's going.

Three tampons were walking down the street. How many of them stopped to say "Hi"?.
- None. They were all stuck up cunts.

There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick, and one with a nine foot dick. The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard. The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the other person would get splinters. Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says, "See that girl over there? Bam. Got her."

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the desk clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him, and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know that you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[striker777]

no offense but XP... i think you're obsessed with the word dick

FYI: His computer's network name is DickJustice

[jurtje]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or
something and then discussed the
problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full
of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked
out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing
he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

[Kattikawn]

Cute.

Thanks for reviving this thread. I remembered one I heard during my orientation last month.

Two old men well into their retirement were on the golf course one day, like they usually were, talking baseball. They knew all the stats, all the players, Micky Mantle, Willie Mays, etc.

One of them looked up from his bag of clubs and said thoughtfully, "I wonder if there's baseball in heaven."

The second old man paused for a moment. "I'm sure there is. Tell you what, when one of us dies, he'll go up to heaven and find out, and then come back down and let the other know."

The first old man agreed and they made a deal of it. A few months later the second old man passed away. A few days afterwards, he appeared to his friend who was standing out on the golf course talking baseball to himself.

"Well, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news."

"What's the good news, then?"

The ghost of the old man replied, "There is indeed baseball in heaven. The bad news is you're pitching tomorrow."

[Kattikawn]

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

[DaMiEn]

ten of the ugliest people in the world are all riding on a bus somewhere, when the bus crashes, and they all die. They all go to heaven, and on arrival, they are greeted by god himself.
"as a reward for living your life so ugly," god says, "I will grant you each one wish."
the first person in line wishes to be beautiful, the second person wishes the same thing, so does the third, fourth and so on. When it comes to be the last person in line's turn, god sees him rolling around on the ground laughing his ass off.
"what is so funny my son?" god asks
the man doesnt reply, so god just asks him for his wish.
"I wish, that all those people are ugly again." :twisted:

[Beemer]

A fly is flying out over a pond one day. Down in the water is a bass. The bass thinks to himself, "I can see what is going to happen, that fly is going to drop 6 inches and when it does, I can jump up and grab the fly".

Across the pond is a bear rumaging through some garbage. The bear sees the situation and thinks to himself, "I can see what is going to happen; the fly is going to drop six inches, the bass will jump up and grab the fly, I am going to grab that bass. He will taste much better than this garbage."

On the other side of the pond there is a mouse sitting in a tree. The mouse looks over the situation and says, "I can see what is going to happen; the fly will drop six inches, the bass will jump up and get the fly, and the bear will grap the bass. I am going to jump down from this tree and eat some of the garbage on the bears back."

On the bank of the pond sits a cat. The cat looks over the situation and says "I can see what is going to happen; the fly will drop six inches, the bass will grab the fly, the bear will eat the bass, and that mouse will jump out of the tree onto the bears back to eat some garbage. I am going to jump out and eat the mouse."

So the fly drops six inches, the bass jumps up to eat the fly and is immediatly grabbed by the bear. Out of the tree jumps the mouse and begins eating the garbage on the bears back. The cat takes a flying leap, hits some garbage on the bears back and slides off right into the pond. The moral of the story: When a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

[XPTB]

A fly is flying out over a pond one day. Down in the water is a bass. The bass thinks to himself, "I can see what is going to happen, that fly is going to drop 6 inches and when it does, I can jump up and grab the fly".

Across the pond is a bear rumaging through some garbage. The bear sees the situation and thinks to himself, "I can see what is going to happen; the fly is going to drop six inches, the bass will jump up and grab the fly, I am going to grab that bass. He will taste much better than this garbage."

On the other side of the pond there is a mouse sitting in a tree. The mouse looks over the situation and says, "I can see what is going to happen; the fly will drop six inches, the bass will jump up and get the fly, and the bear will grap the bass. I am going to jump down from this tree and eat some of the garbage on the bears back."

On the bank of the pond sits a cat. The cat looks over the situation and says "I can see what is going to happen; the fly will drop six inches, the bass will grab the fly, the bear will eat the bass, and that mouse will jump out of the tree onto the bears back to eat some garbage. I am going to jump out and eat the mouse."

So the fly drops six inches, the bass jumps up to eat the fly and is immediatly grabbed by the bear. Out of the tree jumps the mouse and begins eating the garbage on the bears back. The cat takes a flying leap, hits some garbage on the bears back and slides off right into the pond. The moral of the story: When a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

HAHAHAHAHA oh man that's great. Here's another moral one

A monkey is walking through the woods one day and sees a horse stuck in quicksand.

"Help!" The horse said. "I'll go get my Corvette and pull you out!" The monkey replied. He runs, grabs the vette and pulls the horse out of the quicksand. The horse thanks him and continues on his way.

The next day the horse is walking through the woods and sees the same monkey drowning in quicksand.

"Help!" The monkey said. The horse then throws his dick into the quicksand. "Grab my dick and ill pull you out!" The monkey then thanked the horse and left.

The moral of the story is if you have a big dick you don't need a Corvette.

[Trunks]

LOL

[playafly187]

A fly is flying out over a pond one day. Down in the water is a bass. The bass thinks to himself, "I can see what is going to happen, that fly is going to drop 6 inches and when it does, I can jump up and grab the fly".

Across the pond is a bear rumaging through some garbage. The bear sees the situation and thinks to himself, "I can see what is going to happen; the fly is going to drop six inches, the bass will jump up and grab the fly, I am going to grab that bass. He will taste much better than this garbage."

On the other side of the pond there is a mouse sitting in a tree. The mouse looks over the situation and says, "I can see what is going to happen; the fly will drop six inches, the bass will jump up and get the fly, and the bear will grap the bass. I am going to jump down from this tree and eat some of the garbage on the bears back."

On the bank of the pond sits a cat. The cat looks over the situation and says "I can see what is going to happen; the fly will drop six inches, the bass will grab the fly, the bear will eat the bass, and that mouse will jump out of the tree onto the bears back to eat some garbage. I am going to jump out and eat the mouse."

So the fly drops six inches, the bass jumps up to eat the fly and is immediatly grabbed by the bear. Out of the tree jumps the mouse and begins eating the garbage on the bears back. The cat takes a flying leap, hits some garbage on the bears back and slides off right into the pond. The moral of the story: When a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.

HAHAHAHAHA oh man that's great. Here's another moral one

A monkey is walking through the woods one day and sees a horse stuck in quicksand.

"Help!" The horse said. "I'll go get my Corvette and pull you out!" The monkey replied. He runs, grabs the vette and pulls the horse out of the quicksand. The horse thanks him and continues on his way.

The next day the horse is walking through the woods and sees the same monkey drowning in quicksand.

"Help!" The monkey said. The horse then throws his dick into the quicksand. "Grab my dick and ill pull you out!" The monkey then thanked the horse and left.

The moral of the story is if you have a big dick you don't need a Corvette.

hahaha, the corvette one is great!

[Kattikawn]

The moral of the story is if you have a big dick you don't need a Corvette.

Men. :roll: